Advice from a Psychologist: How do you formulate I-messages

I-messages are "real" I-messages if they only express your impressions, feelings, thoughts and needs, without attributing responsibility to the recipient - not even "subconsciously".

Express an observation without judgment

(or clearly separate observation and evaluation).

Example: "If you are talking to your neighbor while I am talking..."

Important: Avoid words such as “always”, “always”, “often”, “always”, they represent a subconscious assessment and usually lead to the fact that the person being addressed feels unacceptably appreciated.

Express feelings

Example: "...I'm not sure (annoyed, upset...)"
Important: many of the terms we use to describe feelings express the recipient's assessment, such as misunderstood, depressed, offended, deceived, etc.

Express your needs

Example: "...because I need the acceptance/support of the members."

Negative feelings arise from the fact that your needs are not being met, not from the other person behaving one way or another. So not "I'm angry because you..." but "I'm angry because I need to..."!

Formulate a request

Example: "I would like you to tell me if this topic bores you or is something else bothering you."

The request is a "bridge" over which communication with the recipient is restored.

Important: A request is not a demand! You can't force anyone to meet your needs, even if you often feel that way. If you try hard, sooner or later you will be rewarded.

These four steps can be used very well in conflict management, feedback rounds, or other "difficult" discussions.

• Related news:
• mental health
• communication
• friends
• 3 June 2023

---